(happy birthday to me!)
The oft-maligned and rarely used Chad Ochocinco told the Boston Herald Saturday that he’s often spoken with former Patriot Randy Moss and former Bengal Terrell Owens during this transition year to the Patriot way of life.
The move seemingly makes sense: all three players are what Ochocinco called “diva receivers;” Moss is a former Patriot who played a huge roll in their record-setting 2007-08 offense; Owens knows Ochocinco from their year together in Cincinnati. And considering Moss and Owens have played for a combined 10 different teams in 28 seasons, you’d have to figure they’d know a thing or two about learning new schemes, coaches and teammates.
But what specifically did those “diva receivers” tell Ochocinco? Here are my Top 10 pieces of advice from Moss and Owens to Ochocinco.
10) “Let Drew Rosenhaus be as douchy as possible.” Ochocinco’s agent is Drew Rosenhaus, who also represents Owens. But so far, Ochocinco really hasn’t let Rosenhaus off the leash the way Owens did. Everyone just loved watching Rosenhaus act like he’s the most important person in the universe, but he’s disappeared with Owens’ departure to the IFL. It’s time to let Drew be Drew. The public demands it.
9) “Complain about the food early and often.” Nothing gets you in better with new teammates than complaining about the food they’ve been eating for years.
8) “Everyone loves obscenities.” Moon fans. Spit on opponents. Make sexually suggestive TV promos. Really, go crazy with this one.
7) “Completely downplay the history of your team.” Whether its a horrific plane crash or a future-Hall of Fame ex-coach, make it look like you really could care less about anything that happened in previous seasons. After all, you weren’t on those teams.
6) “Always play up the quality of your former team, especially right after playing them.” This might be hard for Ochocinco, since the Bengals are probably the worst-run team in the NFL. But Owens wore a jersey of former Cowboy Michael Irvin on the plane following a Dallas game, and Moss saluted Bill Belichick following a Vikings loss to the Patriots (see the clip in No. 3). Both decisions seemed to have worked out pretty well.
5) “Don’t be afraid of distracting the team with off-the-field antics, killing team morale or disrupting the locker room.” Remember, you can’t spell “clubhouse cancer” without “beacon,” so be a shining example to your team by always making as a big scene as you can. (By the way, that phrase also contains “anus.”)
4) “Drugs are a great way to handle stress.” With just one touchdown reception this season, plus a receptions-per-game average below one, Ochocinco must certainly be feeling some pressure. Rather than talking with people, exercising or trying meditation, he should follow the Moss-Owens plan and get himself some illicit substances. Ochocinco can choose between marijuana and hydrocodone.
3) “Second-guess your coach, ideally during a nationally televised press conference.” Didn’t like your team’s play-calling? Publicly call your coach out for it. The team will totally respect your courage.
2) “If you don’t like your current team, you can always stop trying.” Your next team will absolutely assume you won’t pull the same crap with them.
1) “When all else fails, just talk about yourself. Again.”
In conclusion, Patriots fans can agree that while Ochocinco hasn’t lived up to they hype, he also hasn’t pulled any of the crap listed above. And for that, everyone can be thankful.