“Futurama” said it best: A storm is gathering… that will reign down us like fire. It’s probably a firestorm. And that firestorm’s name is Josh Hamilton, ALCS MVP. Josh Hamilton is the “Dr. Rockso” of Major League Baseball (I’m not explaining the reference- go watch “Metalocalypse,” it’s awesome). When his Texas Rangers clinched their various regular-season and postseason titles, they celebrated by spraying ginger ale instead of champagne out of respect for his addiction problems. Ginger ale! Ginger ale?! You kidding me? Don’t talk to me about ginger ale (thanks, Jim Mora)! Quite frankly, this is a disgrace, and we should be up in arms about it. How dare those Rangers, named I think for Chuck Norris, not celebrate by spraying the most expensive champagne they can every which way, destroy their locker room and then get drunk on Bud Light? We look to these athletes as role models, for God’s sake. If they can’t get absolutely trashed, then how on earth can we? What are they gonna do when they win the World Series (unlikely, since their down 2-0 to the Giants)? Drop Mentos in Diet Coke?
And it’s all because of Josh “I Do COCAINE!” Hamilton. Way to go and ruin the fun for everyone else. What happens at the rolling rally? Are they going to lock Hamilton up in one of those glass cases like the one the Pope rides in? He’ll have to just sit there and watch all the drunk people having fun. And then all the drunk people will see him, and they’ll feel guilty because they’re having a grand ol’ time boozing it up and he can’t, and they’ll feel bad. Way to be Buzz Killington, Josh. Texas is, after all, the state with second most cases of both gonorrhea and chlamydia in the country, according to statemaster.com. I don’t know what this has to do with alcohol consumption, but I thought it was worth mentioning.
If you don’t count the Dallas Diamonds (their women’s soccer team… seriously), there hasn’t been a championship of any kind in the Dallas area since 1999 (the Dallas Stars won the Stanley Cup after the 1998-1999), and none that anyone really cared about since 1995 (Cowboys’ last Super Bowl). So Arlington is ready to explode if the Rangers win. There’s no zealot like a convert, and the Rangers have never won anything before. If they win the World Series, there will be a lot of converts, and they will drink zealously. But all of that will be tempered because poor little Josh Hamilton can’t be around a couple of Lone Stars or a Texas Tornado. It’s not their fault, so why should they pay for it?
There is a long-standing tradition of getting completely ripped after winning a championship. When the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, they may all have been doing shots of Jack Daniels beforehand (or maybe just Kevin Millar). If you freeze either the Larry O’Brien or Vince Lombardi trophies, they make really great ice luges (I have no idea if this is true, but why not?). And then there’s Lord Stanley’s Cup. The first thing NHL players do when they win it is drink out of it. There is a person who year-round can only handle the cup while wearing gloves. The reason: to keep it clean and shiny for the Stanley Cup, wherein a bunch of foreigners with about 75 percent of the requisite number of teeth will fill it with champagne. Clearly, binge drinking is a priority in the NHL.
But of all of these venerated rites and traditions are under attack from the most-tattooed man in baseball. Screw the inspiring story of the addict who turned it all around. That’s boring. This is a business of entertainment, darn it! We want to see antics! We want to see carousing! We want to see Jonathan Papelbon dancing Irish jigs in his underwear! We want to see Braylon Edwards get in a car when the NFL would have sent a limo to pick him up! We want something to make us feel better that in three hours of work, some of these athletes will make more money than we’ll ever make in our entire lives!
So I say “nay” to Josh Hamilton and his fascist, communist, terrorist, Tea Party, insert-your-own buzzword sobriety. If the Rangers win the World Series, they should get hammered. They should get blitzed. They shouldn’t be able to tell the difference between Mordechai and Haman (it’s in the Bible… look it up). And if it really makes Hamilton uncomfortable, well … that’s why God invented broom closets.